September 23, 2024
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You are not a victim

July 07, 2023
You are not a victim

Mental health is real. It is becoming increasingly worrisome to hear mental health-related deaths escalating by the day. 

Something must be done, and it must be done soon. It is thus my hope that the articles that I have been writing, are providing some awareness on the topic, which, when brought to light, will spear you to get the help or assistance you need.

I want to conclude with the toxic femininity topic. In the previous article, the focus was on the woman as the perpetrator, in this article, the focus is on the woman as the victim.

Since time immemorial, women have been fighting all sorts of oppression, but I think it becomes worse when women turn on themselves. When you are a victim of toxic femininity, there is one important thing you need to take note of- its not YOU. Your perpetrator is a hurting person, who exerts his/her pain, by hurting others. So, you need to learn to respond to him/her and not react.

Usually when some hurts your feelings, you are quick to react by becoming emotional charged. You also get angry and embittered. However, you need to learn to stop taking your perpetrator’s bait. Sometimes learn to ignore. Just because you have an emotion, does not mean you need to react to it.

Do not allow yourself to scoop to your perpetrator’ level. When he/she is giving you flames, respond, for example, with kindness. You get those people who are just plain rude and would sometimes walk past you and not even greet. If they don’t greet you, and you believe greeting is important for you, then do it. Never allow yourself to be changed by someone’s immature behaviour towards you. 

Limited interactions with perpetrators, as much as possible. Keep conversations on digital platforms to create a paper trail. Avoid having opened end conversations with them. Remain positive. Remember many times perpetrators project their insecurities. They have no self-love, have not found their identity, and have co-dependent relationship problems. If you don’t know someone is projecting on you, you will take the abuse, and think you are the problem.

When the perpetrator is lashing out at you, it has nothing to do with you. Though it can hurt you in the process and it might come off as a personal attack. But it is not about you. This person wants to see others hurt, as a form of release from their own demons they are fighting. 

Toxic people are the embodiment of their wounds, jealousy, emptiness, insecurities, and traumas they never dealt with. What they do is not a reflection of you. It is reflection of the state of their insecurities and how they feel about themselves.

People who are at peace with themselves, don’t cause harm to others. When you love yourself and are happy with yourself, you don’t hurt people. Love heals. Love is kind, gentle, patient and not self-seeking.

However, many perpetrators do not love themselves that way, instead, they feel good by slut-shaming, gossiping, harassing, beating and body shaming other women, for example.

 As I conclude, it is important for you to set boundaries. Avoid contributing to office gossip, to avoid being snared into office politics. Avoid oversharing on your personal life. If you know you have not strengthened your internal emotional controls to deal with toxic people, or you don’t know how to respond to them, don’t allow yourself to participate in conversations with them.

Know which battle to pick with them.

Because they like getting an emotional response from you. They want to get satisfaction in your distress, so don’t give it to them. They might call you names, but not react. You are not a victim. You have a right and power to create your utopia. Lastly, if all fails, pray and seek professional help.

* Morna Ikosa is a Senior Corporate Communications and Brand Reputation Strategist, CPRP, MA, AKA Fixer. To connect, send her a shout-out at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or find her on LinkedIn.

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Last modified on Sunday, 09 July 2023 12:38
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